Emotional Inventory
by Andorian Ice Princess-AIP
Summary: He had lost count on how many times he had uttered the lie 'I'm fine'. When would the inventory reach the limit? When would he reach his breaking point? Post ep one shot to eppy 5.01 'Broken Peace' contains some episode spoilers


**Title: Emotional Inventory**

**Summary:** He had lost count on how many times he had uttered the lie 'I'm fine'. When would the inventory reach the limit? When would he reach his breaking point? Tag to eppy 5.01 'Broken Peace' contains some episode spoilers

**Disclaimer: ** If I owned anything to do with FP Ed would be all mine! Hehe *alas* I own only my DVD's that fuel my imaginative muse Alice.

**A/N:** OH DANG! Wow what a season opener! I will save my tirade about how unfair it is that this is the final season and we only get 13 short (but amazing) eppies *sigh* but I really hope you all like this. Wow I could do a few just on the first episode alone (and there will be an Ed/Clark one coming also)! Lots of good stuff to come this season and I hope this starts it off right :)

**Note:** _Words in double quotes and italics taken from the eppy _(unlike my other pieces this time the stuff on the phone will be no italics but underlined – I hope its not lame but not sure how else to keep them separate-sorry!)

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_"Did you keep the peace?"_

Ed looks at his beloved son, words failing to escape his lips, his brain racing with an honest comeback and heart beating painfully in his chest. For a few seconds his mind flashes back to the rooftop – his world shattering in a matter of seconds. It was an emotional melee. James…_he was the real target…an abusive father…a man with no paternal regard for his own flesh and blood. _It shoulda been James, Ed's mind laments over and over; his attention snapping back to reality to answer his son.

But Clark's not there, it was a passing remark made in an almost nonchalant manner, a statement of mere rote but no real sincere interest or inquiry as Clark carried on to the kitchen, figuring it was another day for his father. Ed, the master at keeping his emotions at bay and showing the world a diffrent man outside than on the inside. It pained him to remember how not so many years ago after another tense shot, he came home and held his son, finding refuge and solace in his comforting embrace; but tonight there was nothing to hold, Clark was gone and the area now around him empty.

Ed's mournful blue sapphires, turn to where Clark had disappeared with a heavy frown, his eyes watering but no words coming. His mind thinks back to the morning when he was at Clark's school and talking to his class for career day. However, his answer at the time didn't seem as conflicted as it does now.

_"But if you work hard, do your best and do what you think is right, then you'll find peace in whatever it is you choose to do."_

Peace! Mental peace! What a farce that now seems. How could he find peace when he was forced to take the life of an innocent girl who was caught up in the frenzy of hatred and emotion; forcing his hand in the cruelest of ways? Her abusive father was in the wrong…_it shoulda been him…it shoulda_, his mind spirals round and round as his stomach continues to tighten.

"It was kept...the peace was kept," Ed whispers into the stillness of the hallway, only his shadow hearing his answer; an answer that's a mix of outright truth and inward cowardice. How could he come to terms with the fact that the shot tonight should not have been taken? That for once he questioned his own professional mandate of shoot to kill and perhaps strike May only in the leg and at least keep her alive? Was Raf right? _No…don't doubt! _But that plan's moot. He came home carrying more guilt that he ever thought would build up inside so pushing it away that easily would be impossible. His actions now regretted and reactions questioned.

About an hour later, with Clark and Sophie upstairs getting ready for bed and Izzy now asleep, the house is quiet, affording him time to head into the living room, slump down into a nearby chair and ponder the day's tormented events once more; not really wanting to relive them but having no choice - helpless to stop fate from being his tormented guide.

He closes his eyes and leans his head back on the small plush loveseat, his mind reliving the events on the roof over and over, wondering what else they could have done to force a better outcome; one where the right person - the good person lives. There was none. None that he could professionally justify. _Damn it! _His mind then pans to the SIU interrogation room, the questions, the penetrating gazes, the speculations…the evaluations. Then his mind flashes into the team one meeting room…the anger, the tension, the arguing…the self-doubt…the inner guilt.

_"What's your name?"_

_"It's Ed…Ed Lane."_

_"I'll hold you to your promise Ed Lane," May told him and Greg about keeping her and her mother safe._

"Oh god…" Ed whispers in misery as he opens his watery sapphires and stares miserably the lone clock on the wall. His body continues to silently beg him to come to sleep, but both his mind and heart know the task will be moot. "I can't…just can't…" he utters in torment. "I'm sorry May…oh god I'm so sorry," he whispers in torment over and over, his core starting to heat up a bit more, his entire frame still begging for some sleep.

But knowing that he had to get at least a few hours solid rest for the sake of his own physical fatigue, he utters a weary grunt as he pushes himself upright and heads for the stairs, his phone buzzing just before he starts to climb. He turns on his heel and quickly snatches it, heading into the kitchen where his voice wouldn't be heard.

"Eddie…"

"Boss…it's late."

"Yeah I know it's late. But tonight…tonight was tough on you my friend and I just wanted to see how you are."

"I'm fi…"

"Fine," Greg interjects with a small smirk. "Eddie…today was anything but fine. I'm not fine and I know you're not fine."

"I'm tired and…we kept the peace…that's what the job is…what the job is," Ed echoes as he leans against the fridge, his mind actually thankful for the cool reprieve on his flushed skin.

"Not just what the job is. Eddie I think you need to see…"

"Greg," Ed starts in a firm tone. "I'm fine and I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."

Not waiting for Greg to reply back, Ed presses the 'end call' button and then stares at the phone for what seems like a mundane eternity before he finally finds the strength to move from place, a small urging from an invisible hand, prompting him to put the phone away and get some sleep. His fingers flip off the lights, bathing the area around him in darkness; his lips leaving the familiar space with a heavy sigh as he slowly resumes his previous course of navigating the stairwell to his bedroom.

_"I'll hold you to that…hold you to that…keep us safe."_

_I'm fine…I'm fine…I'm…fine…I'm…damn it I'M FINE! _ His mind inwardly yells as his fists tighten at his sides, his tense frame casting a sad shadow on the wall thanks to the nightlight as he passes. He keeps hearing the silent screams of May's torment at the hands of her father; her life taken at his hands, while an abusive man gets to live another day. _Not fair…just not fair…I failed…I promised her and I failed…I failed…I FAILED._

"Ed?" Sophie's voice draws his weary gaze in her direction, snapping him from his morbid stupor.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna talk about it?"

"I'm fine," he utters, two words his wife had come to loathe in the nearly twenty years they had been married.

"Right."

"Just a long day you know? Clark's school and the call. It was tense but that's the job," he replies with a tired yawn. _That's the job…the job…just keep repeating those words…_ his mind chants over and over, trying to justify or lend another voice to his looming guilt. He feels his eyes want to water once again but quickly swallows and knows that if he launches into his whole explanation of the events, he might as well forego sleep and curl up with the nearest bottle of whisky.

"Was Clark excited to have you there?"

"Hardly. At least Dean was interested," Ed remarks with dry truth. "Clark wants what he wants…what can I tell ya," Ed huffs as he climbs into bed and offers his wife a small goodnight before he rolls onto his side and flips off the light, picking up her somewhat disappointed 'goodnight' in return.

His heart continues to painfully beat in his chest, a fine layer of sweat still covering his forehead and neck, his throat dry and mind racing.

_"You cops couldn't keep us safe from my father. Tobias did that," May had told him and Greg in the SUV on the ride to the Royal York. "Promise me you'll keep us safe."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay," both him and Greg agreed._

_"I'll hold you to that."_

Instead he did the opposite, he took her life…a needless waste. She had fired twice at her father and missed, his mind praying that she'd hit him and he'd miss. _I never miss, _he had told a suspect one time…that damning skill and expertise now comes to haunt him. He could he tell his wife and son the sheer pain and utter hell he's now facing; no wonder Clark doesn't want to be like me, he silently groans as his eyes water further. This one would be hard to justify…how many _I'm fines_ did he have left in reserve? How many times could he utter the lie and hope with that one time he'd believe it? How long could he fool those around him? Keep going like it was just the job? _I failed…_his mind chants over and over, each time the burden to utter those words gets heavier and heavier, his heart yelling at him that he was betraying himself – he was a failure…in life.

_"My father was a police man…" _Ed recalls what he told the students, wishing his father was still alive so he could get some insight into how he was now supposed to look himself every day in the mirror and not see May's face…not hear her words of telling him he had failed…not look at his daughter and one day think she'll come to look at him with eyes of disappointment as he sometimes sees in his son? Talking to ihs brother was moot; Roy wasn't a shoulder to cry on.

_I can't…can't do this…_Ed groans as he carefully pushes himself up from the bed and quietly pads out of the room, heading down the darkened hallway and down the stairs to the small bathroom off the kitchen. He starts to douse his flushed face with cold water, glancing up and gazing at his reflection – once again practicing the lie '_I'm fine' _so that he could go into work tomorrow and pretend his emotional inventory was full and he was okay for as long as needed.

"That's the job…" he whispers, recalling the heated discussion he had with Raf and other members of the team after the SIU debrief as they all tried to come to terms with their own personal mistakes that led to the tragic loss of life. Nothing mentally comforting was forthcoming.

But the words he wants to utter, he can't quite bring himself to say out loud, "I failed," for if he does acknowledge them he fears he'll hafta turn in his badge and that isn't a course he wants to take or even contemplate. He turns off the water and heads into the living room, slumping down on the couch and just staring at his own personal landscape in emotional defeat.

_"You promise me…I'll hold you do that."_

"My name's Ed Lane," Ed whispers as he hears May's soft voice asking him once again, forcing it to get personal. At first he wants to curse her name, blame her, somehow shift the focus to her to shoo away his own personal demons. But he can't. She had been abused by the man she was supposed to trust, the man that helped give her life. She was innocent. No matter what…in his heart he knows she only wanted to feel safe and free after eighteen years of fear and misery.

_And I took that away…took her life…killed her…murdered her…_his thoughts turn dark, forcing him to shake his head and curse his own name, rubbing his watery eyes and once again reminding himself he was cleared – it's the job.

"It's the job…the job," he whispers as he slowly sags onto his side, pulling a small pillow under his head and praying to god for a bit of mercy and allow him to find some solace in the dark realms of sleep. That prayer would not be answered. He closes his eyes and instantly is back on the roof top, Greg whispering _"Scorpio," _in his ear and his finger pulling on the trigger, instantly killing May in one expert kill shot. He had raced toward James, yelling back that he _"had killed his daughter," _Greg holding him back for fear of further professional repercussion.

_It's the job…_and he had done that to the best he had been trained, to kill…to take a life. But tonight his guilt wasn't going to give him any easy breaks, merely laughing as it replays over and over May's request to keep her safe and then watching as he kills her, her young, innocent body being cradled seconds later by her distraught mother.

_I'm fine…_he inwardly echoes once more. _Ed Lane…you failed me…failed..._is all he can hear in his mind as the thick silence around him starts to suffocate him, narrowing the space around him and causing his weary eyes to snap open once more. With a small huff he rolls onto his side, his back to the open space and his eyes fixed on the black space before him, hoping that with only blank space to stare at his brain will finally accept defeat and fall into sleep.

As suspected morning comes all too soon, Ed's stiff frame stretching and his mouth uttering a tired yawn as he rolls onto his right side and looks at the clock on the wall, groaning as he realizes that he had spent the entire night in mental agony over May's untimely death.

"I'm fine…" he whispers as he tries to push the words _you promised _and _you failed_ out of his tormented brain and carry on as he normally would.

"You slept here?"

"Didn't want to keep you up," Ed tells Sophie as he plants a small kiss on her cheek and then pushes past, heading upstairs to take a shower, hoping the jets of hot water will jolt him out of his morbid stupor. A bit later he starts to dry off, actually feeling a bit reenergized from the night before and telling himself he's ready to face another day, his heart desperately praying for a quiet day of patrolling.

"Good morning sweetheart," Ed bends down to Izzy's high chair and kisses his darling baby girl on the top of her head, pulling back with a tender smile as she utters 'dada' making his heart melt with happiness for the first time in hours. Sophie starts to tell him about the day ahead, Clark finally joining them for a quick bite before he heads out to school.

"I'm fine," Ed repeats to himself as he nears the barn, knowing that he'd have to put on the best magazine smile he had practice or else fear a private talking to with Greg.

"Eddie," Greg greets him first as suspected.

"Boss," Ed nods as he tries to heads toward the locker room, wanting to get at least half hour in on the treadmill before shift starts.

"How was last night?"

"I'm…fine," Ed utters, his lips expertly echoing the words he had practiced during the twilight hours. "I'm…fine," Ed whispers with a firm nod, his mind begging his eyes not to water and betray his fallacious statement. He catches Greg's glance before he disappears, Greg's expression forcing his mind to instantly recall a now fateful statement that Greg had offered him not so many years ago.

_'One may wanna do the math one day on all the I'm Fines'._

As he disappears around the corner, Ed knows one thing is certain, he's fast running out of inventory. Was it really the beginning of the end?

**THE END!**

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**A/N:** *phew* okay well this season promises to be very angsty for our beloved Eddie and Alice is ready to try to offer you guys some angsty pieces worth reading and of course reviewing! This is of course the start to the season so this is open ended and I do hope you liked it. I have a few more coming during the season so please review and let us know what you thought and thanks so much!


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